So here I fucking go again. All happy because next week I’m gonna be hanging out with a guy that I like, and now I’m not so sure I want to! why do I keep feeling like this when I meet a guy or am going to hang around with one? Has my last relationship fucked my head up so bad that I want nothing to do with men? In the past, I would be very happy to just have one in my company, and now I doubt every man that I meet or hang out with! I automaticaly assume that they are not going to be affectionate or that they dont really care about me, that they are just going to want me around when they are bored and their friends are all busy.
I mean, thats how my last relationship turned out, I delt with that for 2 years and then I just eventually gave up, but I stayed in the relationship for three more years because I did love the guy, and we got our own place, and I was happy about that.
But heres the deal, when we moved in together, he finally wanted to give me the attention that I was begging him for in the last two years. But little did he know how much he fucked things up by ignoring me in the past, because I didnt feel like the affection was genuine. The way I saw it, we had moved far away from his friends, so he was loving me up because he was bored.
With that in mind, I pushed him away, and the relationship suffered until one night, I came home from the bar, and he just abruptly ended the relationship. And I was honest to god happy with that, because in the months before the break up, I would sit up all night thinking about how I should find a man that would give me everything I need.
And now I sit here and still dream about finding the right man, but whenever I have the chance to make my dream reality, I end up pushing my could be fairy tale romance away.
These men have everything I’m looking for when I meet them, we get along great, I can be myself around them, but then I end up telling myself that It’s gonna be the same shit different pile, and after about an hour or so, I get annoyed and tell the dude to fuck off.
The only sense I can make of this is that I’m just not ready for the real thing yet, I need to dream about it, and until then, steer clear of any attemps at connecting with a charming motherfucker.
As a matter of fact, I just need to stop making an effort, and just go with the goddamn flow! I need to just go out and me myself, and when the time is right, I will know, and shit will just fall into place.